Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
