Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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