Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
