I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
