ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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