I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You ate ashes out of my bong
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
