i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
