There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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