oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
