Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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