It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
