Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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