so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
