You smell like stripper and shame
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
whose parrot is this?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
