i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
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