Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
