I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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