Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
