i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
