time to smoke my breakfast
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
