You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
