I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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