If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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