oh god the rape fog is back!
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
