My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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