I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Randomize
