were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
