Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
