smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
only you would photoshop your dick
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
