There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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