I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
