Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
