$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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