what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
