my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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