Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I have tasted many bathrooms
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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