Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
