I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
