when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
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