If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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