just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
