There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
