: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
We are all done wearing pants today
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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