if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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