Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
