Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Randomize
