I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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