i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
