Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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