he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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